Hell hath NO fury - like a baby with COLIC..

It's no secret - we are in a rough spot.

Baby P is not only dealing with a righteous bout of Colic, but she is going through her second growth spurt since her birth. Sister is pert-near 11.5 lbs already!! WHOA! For those of you who have experienced Colic, you can sympathize and no explanation is needed. Imagine the worst of it and throw in a double dose of the same symptoms as a result of a growth spurt. Poor baby has been so fussy lately, we have both been at our wits end trying to figure out how to make her comfortable. On one hand we get to the point where we can't stand the crying and we're ready to plug our ears and let her hash it out. On the other, we are desperate to do whatever it takes to make her happy. It's like loving someone with every fiber of your being but wanting to run the opposite direction when you hear them open their mouth to speak, or in our case, scream.

I cry a lot lately. **Sorry about those late night tearful phone calls Mama.**

It's amazing the insecurity that comes with being a mother. I told Dana tonight that the greatest insecurity I have ever known is solely in the responsibility I have as Penelope's mother. It wasn't until tonight when a good friend pointed out how quickly she has grown in a week's time, that I realized she was in fact in a growth spurt. And OH, maybe she's a crankfest because she is STARVING her butt off and needing more grub to grow!! Pardon me while I kick myself in the face for missing such a cue. I carry the weight of every ache and pain she experiences and I take responsibility for it. Any discomfort that befalls her, I own as if I put it there. I don't know why that is.

I will say this, I have learned how desperately I love my own mother and I'm seeing in a new light how amazing she is. The things I put her through - oh how do I count the ways I abused her. I have such unwavering respect for her and I am so blown away by the way she loves me. I hope that someday I can be the mom to Peanut that she has been to me. If I can be, I know I will have touched a life, made it better, left a legacy, blessed it beyond words.

I love you mom - and in joy or suffering, I will spend the rest of my days trying to show this sweet baby the love you have shown me.

Keep it ZIPPED ladies!

So I don't know if I have become hyper aware of this since becoming a mother, or if it's just more accepted by society these days, but what is with nursing mothers whipping out the chow wagon in public?! I mean REALLY?!

Several months before the birth of Peanut, Dana and I were meandering through IKEA when I notice Dana's eyes become saucers. They are telling me that he's just seen a) a ghost, or b) the naked booby of a random tree hugging, nature mommy in the Lighting aisle. It was no joke because minutes later in Textiles I ran right into her. Sure enough, she had her baby in the Baby Bjorn and her business was out there for everyone to see! The baby was chilling out in the carrier facing mommy and mommy's business was just BLAM...THERE...whipped out so baby can hook it up at her convenience. REALLY?!

My next experience was just last week when we were at Babies R' Us. Now granted, BRU is a place you would expect nursing mothers to be, but COME ON. We were looking for one item in particular and walked past one row several times. There was a couple in the row clearly looking into baby baths and were pulling out different models to get a good look. Each time I walked past, they had another style/model in their hands. The very last time I walked by...sure enough...she wasn't pulling baths out any longer, she had ejected HERSELF from her blouse and as she was cramming baby baths back into boxes, baby boy was hooked up getting down to business. First of all, I kind of admired her ability to multi-task. I mean the woman was bending over, standing up, tossing boxes around like she wasn't otherwise engaged in nursing. That's impressive on many levels. But nonetheless...REALLY?

I understand that nursing is natural and beautiful, it is a precious bond between mother and baby. I get that people, believe me! I cherish that time with my child, but I don't get the 'just pull it out' notion.

"Just pull it out" friends, let me introduce you to a diaper bag MUST-HAVE, The Hooter Hider. It's amazing, and gives you and your baby blissful privacy and not to mention it saves the awkward glances from passers by.

"Just pull it out" no longer! Hide those hooters sisters!

I'll Be Found In You...

A word of encouragement..

We have a very gassy baby.

A very gassy, fussy baby makes for some seriously gnarly days/nights. I have stopped eating dairy (for the most part), chocolate, citrus and caffeine in the hopes that the absence of those items will calm her belly. Folks, when you are indescribably sleep deprived, missing chocolate and caffeine isn't exactly a welcome dietary change. Nonetheless, we soldier on and make the best of the situation. There's a lot of emoting around here lately - and the baby fusses a lot too.

We have hit the wall. The wall that stands between us and sleep and sanity, kindness and self-control. We have hit it. Full speed, MACH 10.

In the hopes of finding some sort of encouragement, I dug into the word and an old devotional I have had for years. Not because I'm trying to pose as that "good Christian girl", but because in my life the greatest source of strength and the words that have spoken truest to my heart have come directly from the word of God. In Him I find the strength to be more than my own nature will allow. So when I'm desperate, and searching for hope of some kind, light at the end of the tunnel if you will, I turn to what I know.


An excerpt from my favorite devotional, "Streams In The Desert".
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalms 46:10

All loving Father, sometimes we have walked under starless skies that dripped darkness like drenching rain. We despaired from the lack of light from the sun, moon, and stars. The gloomy darkness loomed above us as if it would last forever. And from the dark, there spoke no soothing voice to mend our broken hearts. We would gladly have welcomed even a wild clap of thunder, if only to break the torturing stillness of that mournfully depressing night.
Yet Your soft whisper of eternal love spoke more sweetly to our bruised and bleeding souls than any winds that breathe across a wind harp. It was Your "gentle whisper" that spoke to us. We were listening and we heard You, and then we looked and saw Your face, which was radiant with the light of Your love. And when we heard Your voice and saw Your face, new life returned to us, just as life returns to withered blossoms that drink the summer rain.

5 Weeks - Bliss and Breakdowns

At 11:47 this morning, our beautiful baby girl will be five weeks old. How weird is that?! It's so wild to me how much she has changed in just five weeks. We can't comment on those chicken legs of hers any longer since they are now filled out and rolly polly, and her cheeks and gobbler now rest sweetly on her chest (haha!). Last night Dana and I weighed her and she is a solid 9 pounds even!! In an effort to keep up with her speedy growth, Dana and I made the trek down to the factory stores to visit the Carter store and stock up on clothes because believe it or not, she is creeping her way out of NB sizes. :( All of that In just 5 weeks?!

Aside from her physical growth, it has been so amazing to see her mind at work. She is recognizing our faces and voices, and making direct eye contact. The most exciting for I think both Dana and myself is the smiling and cooing. She SMILES and people, it's not the gas! She is perfectly content (after a fully belly and clean diaper and no other distractions whatsoever) to lay on the couch and stare at the lights in the room. She is so fascinated with the shadows and the way the different lights fill the room. She coos and gurgles to tell us what she thinks of each luminary design she sees in front of her.
It is so fascinating to watch her see her discover the world around her. What she must be thinking?

Needless to say, Penelope is not the only student of life these days. Dana and I have been in perpetual 'learn' mode since the moment she was born. We are soaking up wisdom our good friends offer us about everything from sleep to diaper rash. We take every opportunity to do our homework and research the growth and development of this little bumpkin. And in this push for education, we are learning that all the learning in the world is bunk compared to the hands-on, real time education we are getting. We are starting to understand her cries (didn't think I'd ever get that), we know her favorite ways to be held, we know how she acts when she is not feeling well. There is still so much we are trying to figure out, and yet, we know we will be in that pursuit of understanding rest of our days.

Chow time - baby calls. :) Stay tuned!

Sawing Logs

So baby girl was swinging her way to dreamland while I got a few things done around the house. As I was walked past her, I heard this low hum and I thought her swing was rubbing on something as it swayed back and forth.

Come to find out...that sweet hum was coming from my very own little log sawer. I like to think she gets this from her papa. ;)

"Baby, baby you set my heart in motion..."

Whoa.

Wu-OH.

How do I begin? How do I begin to put into words the last month of our lives?? This introduction to parenthood has been a crash course in patience, grace and true sleep deprivation. It's impossible to paint a picture that would do justice to the way our lives have been rocked. Hearts are overflowing across the board with the joy that this little one has added to our lives. Every change, every new adjustment, every tear (lots of emoting around here) has been a blessing, hands down. I wouldn't change a moment of it.
Nope, I lie...I would add a few dozen hours of sleep back into our schedule.

Things I love:

* The way she boldly owns each and every toot with a ear to ear grin. Couldn't care less if it's gas - my baby smiles people.
* The way her eyes dart across my face when she hears me talk to her.
* The way she knows my touch. If she is fussy when someone else holds her, she will stop when she is handed back to me.
* Her strength is outrageous! This little one holds her head up and kicks her legs and arms like a champion. Rock solid.
* Her need for touch - she is a snuggler.
* When she has alert time, it doesn't matter what noises come and go (vacuum, TV, dishwasher) she is content to hang out.
* I love that her noises are changing, we are still learning how to translate them, but her squeaks are precious.

Things I DEFINITELY don't love:

* Getting her tongue clipped - DOUBLE BOOOO.
* Her PKU testing in the first 2 weeks of life.
* Gas - two fold, it's insanely painful for her, and no fun for me since I am not able to eat chocolate or drink lemonade.
* The screaming that we can't translate - usually happens at the wee hours when her Daddy and I are barely coherent.
* Knowing when she is uncomfortable (tummy/tongue, etc.)
* Did I mention the horrible gas? HATE how horribly uncomfortable it makes her. No one wants to see their baby in pain.
* Her piddle trick. Every time her diaper change is nearly complete, she let's the pee fly...all over....clean clothes.

Now about that piddle trick. Last Sunday, Dana and I made our first venture out to church since Penelope's arrival. We took our time in the morning, made sure baby girl was fed, clean and happy and went out on our way. As expected, the time came when she needed to eat again so she and I went to the nursing mother's room at the back of the sanctuary. In the room, there was one other mother quietly nursing her little one, and a volunteer there to help the mommies. The room was dimly lit and the speakers were quietly sharing the service, it really was a sweet and comforting atmosphere. This being our first experience in the nursing room, I hoped we wouldn't be sticking out too much like a sore thumb. But lo and behold - she begins to nurse. Loudly. You would think that I had been depriving my child of any kind of nutrition with the way she was gulping. LOUDLY. The mom in front of me literally giggled when she heard Penelope start in. Little did she know, my baby belches like a sailor after a good meal - so what was to come was even MORE comical than the nursing part.
After the 'show' in the nursing mother's room, I took a full and sleeping baby back into the sanctuary for the duration of the service. Before leaving the church, I thought to play it safe, I would make one more trip to the nursing mother's room to do a quick diaper change. I got her laid out on the bathroom baby changing table, took her pants off, did the job. As I went to reach for the replacement diaper, it began. The flood, the flood of pee. (What I haven't mentioned yet, is she was wearing a DARLING sweater from her Aunt Jes, and being the first time mom I am, I realized I did not have a back up outfit on hand. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!) So as I'm scrambling to get the new diaper on the table, pee is going EVERYWHERE. Up the back, down the legs, it's pooling on the changing table...POOLING. All I could think to do to save the clothing, so I held her up and let her finish the job. Yep, pee down the legs, soaking her socks and pooling...everywhere. So there I am, holding my baby over the changing table, looking desperately for something to clean her up with and there is pee just...everywhere. Needless to say, it became a one-armed balancing act. After a few splashes of water, two dozen wipes and two more diapers, we were back in action.
All I have to say, is I fought that gnarly sterile flood with vigor and the outfit was SAVED.
Consider me broken in to the bathroom diaper change.

This has been a ride. A really amazing, great ride. Every diaper fiasco or screaming fit is a learning experience for all three of us. We are learning the power in the love a parent has for their child. It grows by the minute and the strength in that love carries us.
We love her in a way that words can't capture. We want to be the very best we can for her in every way and hope that one day, we can be the parents to her, that our parents were to us.

So onward and upward to week number 4. I can't wait to see what our big lesson will be this week. :)